Main -> And dating -> Here's What's Really Happening When The Guy You've Just Started Dating Is Acting Hot & Cold

Here's What's Really Happening When The Guy You've Just Started Dating Is Acting Hot & Cold

The Dating Game of Hot & Cold; Decoding the Phases and Patterns — Susan Winter

Is there anything more unsettling and frustrating? Something suddenly shifts. Or he shuts down. Or he withdraws. You have no idea where he stands. Is he into you or not?

Relationship hiccups occur because your partner is emotionally invested, but scared. There's open communication about their fear.

Once stated, the hot phase normally reboots and continues with forward movement. A hot and cold player reverts to cold as the norm, with bursts of hot that don't result in forward movement. The root cause of this behavior is a desperate attempt to gain control over the uncontrollable; love. It's a way to feel love without getting hurt. But the partner, who's committed to playing safe, will never allow himself or herself to experience love. They'll toy at it, dipping their toes in and out of the water without ever getting wet.

The cycles of hot and cold may make you feel like the powerless one. It appears as though as though your partner has all the strength. But it's just the opposite -- real power is the ability to maintain intimacy. Power and strength of this caliber have no fear of being honest and direct. Games are an ego default when being "real" feels too scary. Authenticity takes tremendous courage. Being open and honest is a gift that's born of inner confidence and self-worth. Here's where the tables turn in your favor.

Once you recognize this pattern, you've already gained your freedom from the automatic response instigated by your partner's game. Be direct. There's nothing to lose. Authentic communication reveals your partner's fears, allowing their concerns to be voiced and worked out while maintaining connection. Does your questioning meet hostility, defensiveness or resistance?

If so, you've gained valuable information.

Hot and cold dating

This is a partner who's in the game for an ego boost and doesn't possess the skill set required for a relationship with you. Cut your losses and walk away.

Your time's better spent with someone who is capable of honesty, intimacy, and consistent behavior. After questioning, does your partner react with concern or guilt? Do they reveal their inner conflict? If so, then you may have stumbled upon a highly sensitive and fearful individual.

Evaluate your partner carefully. Do they have the capacity for trust? Do they want to explore the possibility of a relationship with you?

These are easy questions to ask when you know what you want and what you deserve. Games are used in lieu of the ability to be real. For those who are straightforward, there's little interest in anyone who plays games.

But knowing of their existence and recognizing their predictable patterns will allow your dating to be a rewarding, rather than confusing, experience. Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. Follow, and they flee. The phases of Hot and Cold:. Help us tell more of the stories that matter from voices that too often remain unheard.

Join HuffPost Plus. Real Life. Real News.

Real Voices. Let us know what you'd like to see as a HuffPost Member. Canada U. US News. World News.

The Hot and Cold Guy: Why Is He Hot and Cold (And What to Do About It)

Social Justice. Donald Trump. Queer Voices. Black Voices. Latino Voices. Asian Voices. HuffPost Personal. Special Projects. Pride I no longer wince when I discover the human foibles present in me, an in everyone. Philosophers find their true perfection knowing the follies of humankind by introspection. I have three male friends, two in their 60's and one in his 70's one never married, two married only once for a very short timeframe, none has children who are lovely, giving people and who are romantic loners loaners?

I thought of these friends while reading your article, as it seems to fit all three of them. They all have been good friends to me, and they seem relatively satisfied with their lives. Thank you. Yes, I mean the double-meaning of loaners. Sometimes I've thought that it's selfish to be like that, what with so many people still looking for partners. But then I remember that a loanable friend is not a bad thing, a floater for when others want to borrow us.

Relatively satisfied: I think a lot depends on having things you love to do. For decades, I felt incomplete when partnerless until I noticed that actually, my life is full enough with the select pursuits that have enriched me.

It's long been the rule that when dating someone whose behavior is marked by hot and cold reactivity, you're standing on shaky ground. If the guy that you're into is all hot and cold, it's not a fun experience. What's Really Happening When The Guy You've Just Started Dating Is Acting Hot & Cold .

Thinking is one. It is stressful.

BUT I find the thought of being alone for another 35 years depressing. No offense, but I have done the alone thing, casual dating thing, the married thing, the live together thing.

If you're dating someone who runs piping hot and icy cold, you are not alone. Here's some context. We all know a prowler; a person who's hot and cold when it comes to showing romantic interest. One minute they're showering you with love. The blowing hot and cold psychology seems easy to detect when you are just a bystander. But when you are the one who is pulled into that.

I do want a relationship. And casual dating, not fulfilling. I think I understand. I know what it's like to find self-satisfaction boring or worse, terrifying. If they're lonely too then maybe they can find each other.

Though it's a gross generalization, I do suspect that unbonded loneliness can be harder for more women than men. That is sad. In my case, other interests upstaged partnership. The world is full of a number of things. I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings but whether queens can be as happy as kings, that's an open question in our transition from traditional marriage to whatever the heck is next.

Jeremy Sherman, Ph. Confessions of a thug-life fantasizer and reflections on how to do it safely. Back Psychology Today.

So you're here because you want to know why guys run hot and cold. you right now,” when you just started dating, he doesn't really mean what he's saying. The game of Hot & Cold is a game of control and fear. Whether it's done consciously or unconsciously is irrelevant. It's about maintaining. Tags: dating, dating advice, relationship advice, Relationships, understanding men, why guys pull away, why guys withdraw, why he's going hot and cold on you.

Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Back Magazine. Subscribe Issue Archive.

Back Today. The Fallacy in "Evidence-Based" Treatment.

Unintended Consequences and the Cerebral Cortex. Jeremy E Sherman Ph. Follow me on Twitter. Friend me on Faceook. Connect with me on LinkedIn. Intense ambivalence in romance. You Submitted by the same Sara on March 16, - am. Piet Hein Thanks for writing! An honest article Submitted by Mary on March 16, - pm. Good article! Thanks for thinking with me! Wishing you well. Post Comment Your name.

E-mail The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. Notify me when new comments are posted.

All comments.

Q&A: Does being open destroy a ‘hot and cold’ relationship? — Susan Winter

Replies to my comment. Leave this field blank. About the Author. In Print:. Neither Ghost Nor Machine. View Author Profile. More Posts. The Art of Escapism for People Suffering a Reality Overdose Confessions of a thug-life fantasizer and reflections on how to do it safely. Continue Reading.

Most Popular.

2 comments Add your comment below

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *